One day I go to the doctor's thinking I had Lyme's Disease or something of that nature. Why you ask, well...I was so tired and weak for days on end, sometimes I couldn't even get out of bed. One day I remember driving about a mile to the store for a gallon of milk. By the time I got home, my arms feeling lifeless, just fell off the steering wheel like there were a ton of weights on them. It took all I had to get into the house. I would occasionally break out in hives and my whole body would itch. I also seemed to have developed a keen sense of smell to some things, like finger nail polish and chemical stuff that made me nauseous.
I told my wife I must have Lyme's Disease or something, so we made the appointment. After talking to me and checking vitals and stuff, he said I had depression and that was causing my symptoms. I told my wife what his diagnosis was, and said..what a quack I'm not depressed, sorry Doc!
So I go to another doctor, who tells me the same thing. Hum....is there really something going on here I asked myself. I really never gave depression a thought. As long as I can remember, I have almost always felt empty, worthless, alone, stupid, and my self esteem well, that was not the best either! In school I feared...with a capital F, being called upon to answer a question or to read a report out loud. I was always afraid of being ridiculed and made fun of. I never had many friends, of course I had a lot of acquaintances from school and the neighborhood, but real friends, not many.
In my later years, I started having anxiety attacks. I could be at work cooking an order for a customer and this deep feeling of emptiness, doom and despair would just come out of nowhere, and I would start to cry, right there in the open cooking an order. Okay, that didn't freak me out! This went on for a while, then the feelings started getting stronger, my mind would race with thoughts of being a bad father and husband, worthless, self pity, hopelessness, and doom all wrapped up in one. From there, when I would feel like that, it was like everything was closing in on me, sometimes I would go in the back and punch the brick wall, and even bang my head against it. As I think about the punching and head banging, it was like a call...someone help me so to speak.
Of course if I told someone, they usually didn't understand or have a true understanding on how I was really feeling. I think you have to actually experience it to know what it feels like. Their reply would be...just snap out of it. Or, think about your family, look what your doing to them, supporting my worthless father and husband thinking even further.
From there I just kept it inside, festering and growing. Then came the suicidal thoughts. Whats the point in living I would think to myself. I would have thoughts of my family and friends, and what it would do to them, but when the illness had control, I would rationalize that they would be better off and they will all get over it in time. The emotional pain, struggle and frustration would just get so bad, I just wanted to end it, life was pointless to me. It was like a viscous cycle and it would never get better. Suicide seemed the only logical way out. I have attempted suicide on several occasions, and was hospitalized three different times for clinical depression, anxiety and suicidal tenancies.
Now my point in writing all this is to say, when your brain is not functioning properly because of the illness, you don't really consciously have control over those feelings, they just come out of nowhere, but yet you can rationalize those feelings and thoughts to be justified.
As far as suicidal thoughts and the act itself goes, many will say, that's stupid, that's taking the easy way out, what an idiot, how can someone do that to their loved ones, what a coward, what a nut job, well you get the message, labels! That is nothing than being further from the truth. Some will tend to blame themselves, what could I have done different, what if I had done this or that, why did they do it? Plain and simple, it is a mental illness, when your mind is not functioning properly, you feel it is the only way to end the pain and frustration, and it would be the best way out, for you and everyone else. Those who have not been there, or have not had the education on the subject cannot understand that way of thinking, so that is the best response they have, I guess.
What I write are my views only, from my experiences and feelings. I am not schooled on the subject. I myself have just begun to realize that it would be best to find someone you trust, or a professional in the field to talk with, who can find you the help necessary for recovery. Mental illness is a treatable disease, but you need to seek the help, just as with any other illness. This way you can have a recovery or to learn how to deal with your symptoms so you can lead a better life.
I still suffer from severe anxiety and depression at times. I find it very difficult to even hold a job. I have only worked a few months in the last three years because of my anxiety. I owned my own restaurant for 14 years, and when I try to work for someone, even doing what I did for those 14 years I have terrible anxiety and feelings I am not good enough, always worrying about the boss not being satisfied with my job and on and on. On the same hand I tell myself, you ran your own business for 14 years, so what's the problem? I can't answer that, the feelings are just so strong. Eventually I start having symptoms of dreading getting up and going to work, my stomach starts burning the whole time there, and I always have the feeling someone is looking over my shoulder! I get compliments from customers and even the owner, but those thoughts and feelings are stronger, and no, I can't just get over it, it doesn't work that way! Although I wish it did!
I started hiking some this year and found it relaxing and helped to take my mind off of things. Some hikes were strenuous, 16-20 miles, but when I was done, I wasn't satisfied, so I started thinking I need to take longer hikes. That's when the cross country walk came to mind. It became a mission to me now to do it, with a strong feeling that it will help me with my struggles, getting out, sharing my story and listening to others if they feel a need to share! We are all in this together! Sharing my story seems to be an outlet for me, and hopefully will let other people know they are not alone.
I just feel the urge to walk!
